Dear Mom,
2011 is upon me. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's is all over, thank goodness. I missed you every second. I still think about calling you, often. Your number is memorized in my brain. I suppose I could call you...but I couldn't handle hearing messages from you, or from listening to your voicemail message.
Christmas was the hardest other than Dad's birthday. I kinda lost it then. I got the most fantastic gift, which you've already seen/known about. JB made me a BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL quilt. Wait, let me explain. JB and family visited you in summer, before you got sick. When they heard, JB started working on a quilt for YOU, FOR YOU, to have and old during radiation/chemo/treatment to remind you that the Lord is Good and ever faithful.
Then you died. That's not your fault. The quilt was put on hold for the grief, and she decided that it would be a nice thing for me to have. This quilt is amazing, Mom. All swirls of blue and green and sea colors -- the color of the ocean by Cousins Island. And bursts of bright oranges, pinks and yellows -- to show YOUR BRIGHTNESS AND LIGHT through it all. There are quotes and verses from your funeral and other things reminding me that He is good...even if sometimes I don't like it or get mad at Him or whatever.
I am plugging along. I started wearing your anniversary band a few weeks ago. A constant reminder of you, not like I really need one, but still. I tried wearing your bands and your diamond as well for a while at Christmas but it was too hard. I couldn't do it.
I miss you constantly. All the time, everyday. I wish I could ask you for advice. Sometimes I do, and you must hear me all the way up in Heaven because sometimes I ask you for a sign you're there or if you're still around to visit. Sometimes I don't get them. But on the days I really need it, you talk to me. Like the time on my lunch break I was having a hard time and asked for a sign you heard me talking to you in the car--and I saw that fortune cookie paper in my purse and what it said. I smiled. And Willy's radio being all...twitchy over bumps...I was talking to you then too, and at the crux of it, the worst and saddest part, it suddenly turned on to a song relevant to what I was thinking and feeling about you! I like these little things. They make me happy. I should probably go get some breakfast now, so I'll leave you with this small offering today.
I love you, forever and always.
Love,
Christy
