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Dear Mom,

I keep dreaming of you. Keep having dreams. In this one we were hiding from people, getting ready to go to the memorial in Connecticut...and you were alive-but-not, if that makes sense. You were wearing your beautiful peach Easter dress. I could touch and hug your semi-corporeal body. It was only a little disturbing, because you were really a ghost.

Life keeps throwing me around, and I don't know what I can do to make things better for myself. I keep trying so hard to make my life better, in the normal and "safe" ways, meaning, not racking up credit card debt and other bad things, and I can't ever seem to get ahead.

I was reading back on some old emails you sent me and I am so thankful I still have them. I keep thinking I should call you, and that's been hard for me. The last few days I've just felt like crying and crying, and sometimes my body shakes with tears. My lip quivers, and hot tears fall from my eyes onto my cheeks. I really, really miss you. I don't know what to do about it other than miss you more acutely each day. I keep telling myself that it sucks to be here when you're not, but overall I am so happy you're not suffering anymore. I know it is selfish of me to want you to be here on earth, even though you'd be in pain or suffering. I'm so tired and sad of Cancer being around. I am so depressed without you, Mom.

I feel sometimes as if I can't go on, even though I know that's what you wanted me to do. I've been pretty good the last few days and haven't cried much, but it keeps wanting to well up inside me and overflow. Most of the time I want to stay curled up in bed and sleep all day. This depression is getting to me. I've been talking to you a lot when I drive to and fro, trying to get something more or discover something in myself. I also keep feeling as if you're still around, and while I generally like that, I don't know what to make of it.

Anyway Mom, I don't have much more to say for now. Life has been too hard in the last weeks, and it'd be easier if you were here for me to talk to. I miss you so very much that when I think about it I cry. I wish you could give me some advice. I could really use it.

I love you, forever and always.

Love,
Christy