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Dear Mom,

It's been a little over two weeks since I saw you die in Brigham Women's Hospital, and about a week since your funeral. I'm having some problems dealing with the fact you're gone. I miss you SO MUCH. I love you so much more.

I've been having dreams about you since you died. I am so thankful for them but at the same time I am so sad that I can only see and talk to you in my dreams. I wish you were still here. I keep thinking that if I were only to call your cell phone, or even call the house when Dad's working that you'd just pick up and I could talk to you. I feel like I need so much advice. I'm so young, and I need my mom.

I wish I could have appreciated everything you did so much more when you were still alive; but I know more than ever that you heard me when I said I loved you, and that I was stupid to be a dumb teenager for all that time. I'm so sorry I hurt you...I always loved you, even when you thought I didn't. How could I not love you? You're my mom and I always, always loved you. I'm so thankful we had some good years before you got sick--we had started mending bridges a few years ago. I wish I'd have told you when you were well how sorry I was. How was I to know that you would leave us after only 8 weeks?

I'm worried now that I won't be a good mom when I have my own kids. How can I know how to be a good mom without you to call and ask for advice? Who will come in and calm me down in the delivery room when I freak out and need you? I feel so alone, Mom. So very alone. I know I'm not though, but I still don't know what to do.

I miss you so much. Please know that up in Heaven on your cloud, OK?

I'm getting really angry, Mom. Not at you, not at God, but I'm mad at Satan for taking you away from me. I'm angry because September is Cancer Awareness Month and unfortunately for me, I am now so acutely aware I could punch somebody. I'm angry because I can't believe how evil Cancer really is, and how badly I wish the outcome could have been different.

You would probably be glad to know that when I think of you I remember you as alive and vibrant and always going-going, smiling and always happy instead of what you were when I went to Boston. I'm just saying I'm remembering you as you were, not as you ended up. I'm not trying to insult you, Mom, truly...I just think you would like for me to remember you the way you were before the Cancer took hold. You were still beautiful even then, even when the Cancer had ravaged you and hurt your body in ways I can only imagine. You were so beautiful. I loved every line on your face and every smile I could get from you, even when I wasn't sure you were listening. I'll always be your little girl, your darling redhead.

I love you forever and always. I'm going to have to stop here because I am crying so hard my body is shaking.

Love,
Christy