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Dear Mom,

Yesterday was a little better for me. I was able to go to work for the first time since I left for Boston and not get too overwhelmed. Friday was a good day too. In fact, it was such a good day that normally I'd have called and said so...You would be proud of me for the day I had.

Linda has been checking in with me every few weeks (Chris's Mom) and making sure I'm ok. She, Chris and I went out for a drive/walk to Wayzata for a few hours to people watch and see the sailboats...it was very peaceful, really. It reminded me of the Yarmouth Harbor that Dad and I drove by a few times when we were at your house...lots of little boats and sails running around.

Linda said that after her mom died, all the kids and she noticed that they saw butterflies all the time...and she said that her mom loved butterflies. I wish I had something like that, to see you. I'll be keeping an eye out, just in case, because I'd like to see you around. You're still visiting me in my dreams but recently less so. I wish you'd come by every night, because I miss you.

My birthday was early last week, just after Labor Day. I turned 25. A few weeks ago I remember talking to you about it, how scared I was to be turning 25. You said that you had a hard time with that too. 30 wasn't such a big deal, you said. I agreed with you on that. I wish you could have been at my birthday party, Mom. All your sisters organized a party for me, and even Grandma M and Tom and Helen came! We had a great time eating food on the BBQ. Dad is a good griller! We had a lot of unhealthy food, but we splurged a little on it. We also had cake and Hudsonville Ice cream. Everybody had a lot of fun making me feel awkward when I opened presents. I hated attention being on me. Jon and Bri made a really nice video and music of my life and dedicated it to you...there wasn't a dry eye in the house! You would have felt weird with pictures of you up there though...all those 90s hair and dresses! You looked great though. Always put together.

Today is your memorial in Connecticut. Dad made an executive decision that David and I not go. That's ok, though I haven't been in Brookfield since April 2008 I think. After this it will be "over" from a closure standpoint for him, but it will never really be over, you know? I think he is driving back home tonight and will start work tomorrow. I don't know though. I've been giving him a little space even though I don't really want to. I don't want to smother him, of course, but I don't want to let him get lonely, either.

All of us wish you had made it home from Boston, even for a little bit. To have some more time. I'm kinda kicking myself for not coming out earlier and spending time. I really, really miss you and wish I hadn't wasted so many opportunities. Tim has been asking me "what do you want? what do you need?" and I always say "I want my mom back." Then I cry, like I am now. It's a little more restrained crying at the moment, but I know it will soon turn to body-wracking sobs.

I love you, forever and always.

Love,
Christy