7

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry its been so long since I last wrote. Life (and your death) keep throwing curveballs at me. One minute I'm fine, the next unable to move--frozen by grief and sadness. I am well aware (and as Dad and I keep telling myself) that you wouldn't want me to be so static in my life after your death. I keep trying to move on but this has shattered me in ways I can't fathom. That I never knew would. In ways I thought were for other people, not me.

I am utterly incapable, it seems, to stop from crying at every little thing. One of the CDs I listened to while you were sick and before you died was "Church Music." One song in particular off that album kept reminding me that no matter what, I had to "shine my light" through this terrible darkness that was your illness and your Cancer. I don't usually link to things here, but the band just released it as a single. Here's their video for "SMS Shine."

I can't listen to this song without crying, and the video? BREAKS MY HEART EVERY TIME.

I seem to be able to put on a front for people at work, and in my usual day-to-day life. Most of them don't know these things. Don't know that I'm still trying to cope. Tim knows, but his patience is running a bit thin with me sometimes. I just notice things about myself. I'm so much more keenly aware of myself, it is not a happy thing for me. It's seemingly impacting my entire life. This I don't like, and I'm trying to stop myself from being TOO self-aware.

Anyway, Mom, I wish you'd pop in one of my dreams again sometime soon. I miss seeing you, and it'd be good for me to be around you, even in my dreams.

I love you, forever and always.

Love,
Christy

6

Dear Mom,

Now that September's over, I can stop quoting Billie Joel's "Wake Me Up When September Ends." His live version on the Stand Up 2 Cancer show breaks my heart every time. It would break yours too. It made me think of you in more ways than I'd like to admit. Now though, it's October, and there's even more Cancer stuff on TV and in radio and internet ads. While my initial anger at Cancer is starting to wane a little, the pangs of hurt I feel with these ads makes me miss you very acutely.

I had my first dream of you in a long while today. It was a dream I didn't DIDN'T want to wake up from. I'm really sad and sorry I did. I was having fun hanging with you. The dreams are bittersweet--you are both here and not, and I was relieved to dream of you.

Right now I've been feeling like I can't remember your voice. I know it's crazy, but I wish I could still physically call you. That would really make my day, frankly. That'd make my life, if I could talk to you again. I still talk to you in the car sometimes. You'd be super proud of me for driving Willy around. I've been doing really well with it. You'd also be proud of the work I did today. It was really good.

I'm not sure what else to do with myself. There are a few things in the works that I think will be wonderfully great, especially if they work out. I'll tell you more about them when the time comes. I want to say too, Mom, that I'm glad you are able to see all the fall colors from the best seat ever. I'm pretty jealous.

I'll write more later, Mom. ILU.

I love you, forever and always.

Love,
Christy