7

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry its been so long since I last wrote. Life (and your death) keep throwing curveballs at me. One minute I'm fine, the next unable to move--frozen by grief and sadness. I am well aware (and as Dad and I keep telling myself) that you wouldn't want me to be so static in my life after your death. I keep trying to move on but this has shattered me in ways I can't fathom. That I never knew would. In ways I thought were for other people, not me.

I am utterly incapable, it seems, to stop from crying at every little thing. One of the CDs I listened to while you were sick and before you died was "Church Music." One song in particular off that album kept reminding me that no matter what, I had to "shine my light" through this terrible darkness that was your illness and your Cancer. I don't usually link to things here, but the band just released it as a single. Here's their video for "SMS Shine."

I can't listen to this song without crying, and the video? BREAKS MY HEART EVERY TIME.

I seem to be able to put on a front for people at work, and in my usual day-to-day life. Most of them don't know these things. Don't know that I'm still trying to cope. Tim knows, but his patience is running a bit thin with me sometimes. I just notice things about myself. I'm so much more keenly aware of myself, it is not a happy thing for me. It's seemingly impacting my entire life. This I don't like, and I'm trying to stop myself from being TOO self-aware.

Anyway, Mom, I wish you'd pop in one of my dreams again sometime soon. I miss seeing you, and it'd be good for me to be around you, even in my dreams.

I love you, forever and always.

Love,
Christy