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Dear Mom,

I had a nightmare the other night. I awoke breathless and scared. Heartrate skyrocketing. I dreamt of the night of your death. Of watching you die. Again and again and again. I was fighting, fighting with the doctors and even with your body a little, trying to get it to not die again. Not that that is your fault. Not that you had any control over the cancer as it raged inside of you.

I miss you all the time still, and I have been trying to make a point of wearing all the jewelry I inherited from you. I don't do as well as I should, most days, but there are two pieces I wear all the time, and they mean a lot to me. The first is your 25th Anniversary band, and that is on my little finger. Five little diamonds, representing 25 years, of love, faith, happiness... I cherish this ring greatly. It is the first piece of your jewelry I wore on a constant basis. The next is your golden Celtic cross necklace, which everyone and their mothers seem to comment on. They want to know where I got it, if I'm Irish, and that opens the door to say "It was my mom's." Some get the grammar of that sentence, some don't. Most leave it at that. I've only had one comment on a cancer awareness rubber bracelet I wear. The man asked what it said ("Hope" "Faith" "Courage" and "Strength") , and wanted to know what kind of cancer it was. He harshly said "Well, a hysterectomy should just take care of That, now, shouldn't it?!" and when I responded with a "Well, she was Stage IV Metastasized when they DIAGNOSED her, so that wouldn't really have worked you know." He shut up after that.

I've heard from you once or twice in the last month. Most recently was at a women's conference in Fridley MN and for a minute it was as if you had said "This is where you need to be." and I knew it. People still don't really know me, which is weird because I tell them I'll put my whole self out there if only asked. Nobody believes me. Anyway.

Good things are being done down here, which you probably know about already. I've been knitting hats for donation to wherever there is a need. It's already had a HUGE impact on a few worlds nearby. I have never been happier.

I love you, forever and always.

Love,
Christy